Badge of Courage

Yes, here we go again. Another capsize drill. This one offered new lessons.

So another night of no wind and a sailing class means only one thing--we're going to be intentionally capsizing our boats again.

Actually, my husband and his sailing buddy went out and did a practice capsizing drill with a small trimaran. I watched as he approached it eagerly announcing that he's never capsized before.

Needless to say, I declared, "I'm not capsizing." The three other women in the class declared that they weren't capsizing either.

The instructor, a college student from Ireland, raised his eyebrows and said carefully in his Irish brogue, "Well it's part of the curriculum of this class."

We sat defiant.

"This is a chance to face your fears..." He continued on with a pep talk.

The words "face your fears" rang in my ears. That is the lesson that I've been working on this past week. I have faced many fears, and now, the Universe brought another opportunity to face yet another fear--capsizing the boat, righting the boat, and getting back in the boat.

The silent defiance was growing.

He paused.

I said, "Ok, I'll do it. If I can swim so scared 1.2 miles across a lake, then I can do this."

The tide shifted. I was the traitor in the ranks.

Our instructor seized the opportunity. "Thatta girl, Laurie. Let's talk through what you're going to do." He walked into the "classroom."

I turned and smiled at my friend.

She gave me the "huh?!" look--non-judgemental but clearly processing my words.

Unable to resist, I joked, "Hey, at least I'll have something to write about in my blog."

We rigged the boat and launched. I volunteered to capsize first, despite my terrified fluttering heart. 

The motor boat towed us out to deeper water.

I prayed that if this was really in my highest good, then please help me to do this without struggle and drama.

We capsized the boat and swam around to the centerboard and bow of the boat. While my partner steadied the bow, I pulled on the centerboard, and miraculously, the boat tipped back into an upright position with ease. (This was how it was supposed to happen! Why am I still amazed that when I ask for help, I actually get it?)

Then I tried getting in the boat. That didn't work.

My partner got into the boat and then helped me in. I took a deep breath and smiled. We did it with ease.

When we switched places with the people in the motor boat, I looked and her and said, "We did it!"  It took a few minutes to register, but I really was able to do this drill with help and support. Wow!

Let me be clear. I hope that I never have to capsize again, but I know that if I accidentally capsize, it is possible for me to help right a boat. If I had chosen to stay in my fears, then I would continue to be terrified of capsizing. The open water swim last Saturday freed me from my prison of fear. It was like giving birth, compared to that nothing really hurt.

Tonight, I simply had to pray and ask for help, and it was granted. I trusted my partner. I trusted my instructor. I learned to trust myself. I truly let go of the struggle.

Each time I have faced a fear this past week, my fear in the next situation shrunk. I am able to say that I'm scared (ok, terrified tonight). I'm not really ready to face those fears, but I am willing to face those fears. The bars of fear that have paralyzed me are crumbling. I am no longer stuck in the fear. I am free. What a glorious feeling! Freedom.

I must confess that after we successfully completed the drill, I was a tiny bit sad that I wasn't going to have a picture for my blog. Then I looked down at my leg and saw a couple of scratches from where my leg scraped on something as I slid over the edge and into the hull. My husband calls these boat bites. For me, it's my badge of courage.

Namaste,

L