Change or Die.
If we are not willing to change, then we will spiritually die. He said that change often "comes gift-wrapped in fear," but it is in our willingness to change that allows our minds, bodies, and spirits to truly live in harmony.
Today after church, we set off take pictures from the overlook of Taughannock Falls, the tallest free-fall waterfall (of 215 feet) in the northeastern US.
As we got back into the car, I noticed a sign that must be fairly new; it was new to me:
Taughannock Falls
a sculpture in stone
shaped by water
using frost and floods as tools
Taughannock Falls has chiseled its canyon
for at least 12,000 years.
12,000 years of change?! I'm sure that there are photographs to document the physical changes in the last several decades, and it's simply gorge-ous, despite those changes--or perhaps because of those changes.
Change. Yes, I have changed a lot in the past several years.
Losing my father after a long illness changed me. I was suddenly free from criticism, except my own, and I learned, "Love is all that really matters in the end." (I said that a lot after he died, and perhaps while he was dying.)
Becoming "Mrs. Laura Stephens" changed me. I was no longer a "Clair girl" in some ways, and of course, in other ways I would always be a "Clair girl" as I chose. I also wore wedding bands with a life-long promise to Richard, and suddenly, I was expected to play the role of "wife," a less egalitarian role than fiancee.
Becoming a mom changed me in more ways than I could even try to simplify here, but perhaps one the greatest changes in me was my overwhelming desire to be a better person so that I'd be a better role model for Petey and DannyBoy. Circumstances changed. I changed. Sometimes the process was painful, other times more graceful, but frequently "gift-wrapped" in fear.
Then I began a new phase of my journey in this lifetime. A journey where I made a commitment to change not because of a specific set of circumstances, but because I was slowly dying inside, and it was time to live again. I began to look at myself, and honestly, it wasn't pretty. If I had any doubts of where I was, I only needed to look at the mirrors that my children presented me. Anger. Fear. Irrational. Explosive. Loud. Know-it-all. Confused. Unworthy. Alone in a world of billions. This would be a tragic tale if I had stayed there, but I didn't.
Because of my sons, I faced a lot of my fears, accepted responsibility for the mistakes that I had made, struggled to release old patterns, and worked to forgive myself for the hurts that I caused. I am grateful to have had such support and mentors along the way. I have re-claimed my identity as "Laurie" and have found myself along the way. (I didn't even have to go to Paris or Italy or India or Bali or anywhere exotic!) I simply had to learn to stop and be with myself, which for some reason terrified me. (It really is a mind-boggling oxymoron. Maybe that's proof enough that it's true.)
I'm so happy that I have unwrapped the fear, which once paralyzed me. Change is a gift now that requires no wrapping for I am aware of the tiny sadness in releasing the past patterns as well as the joy of embracing the future adventures. May I give this gift of life to my sons.
Laurie
a sculpture in flesh
shaped by life
using integrity and trust as tools
Divinity has chiseled my spirit
for as long as it takes
to embrace the Love and the Light.
Namaste,
L
